I had to capture this feeling of having such a good morning with these two. Sage had just fallen asleep on me and link was being so good. I finally felt some peace. I felt like I could finally see that things were going to be ok. Things aren't always going to be so hard. I know I've been in a thick fog. Actually, lets call it the Deep Dark. Thats how it feels, and its been with me since being pregnant with Sage. You can call it whatever you want; antepartum and postpartum, whatever, it's a depression. I think it's just life in general and it happens during the time I'm the most vulnerable (pregnancy and after). I KNOW my hormones aren't right, but if u checked me during every depression bout I've had I'm sure my hormones wouldn't be right. You can't just chalk it up to bad hormones people, this is my life and living life is hard. I'm trying to make a little bit of sense of the experience of pain. I've done more soul searching, scripture reading and praying in these past two years than ever. I know there's so much more to go through, which seems incredibly daunting and impossible now. I feel like I've been broken, weakened and not capable of doing this life. I'm really working on hope. Hope that one day my weaknesses will be made strong.
Dealing with my mental battles is work. Stretching my soul hurts. But, I guess that's what we are here for. I wish happiness was a little easier to come by.
I want to be real about my life on this site and pictures just don't tell the whole story. I don't want my kids to look back on this, (after I've printed it and made it a book), and think that life was so easy and happy all the time. Because truthfully, life is a lot of work and is for EVERYBODY. Usually when I look back at things I remember only the good parts. Like raising babies, you forget how hard it is. But it's the hardest parts of it that make me grow. If I never take time to write down the hardships I go through, I think I'll kind of forget what I'm made of. Which is much stronger than anything I've felt in the past few years.
1 comment:
Oh, Megan, I'm so sorry. Yes, I know just what you mean. I want to say something, anything that will fix it all for you, some magic pill or one action you could do that would solve all of these problems. But you are right. What we've got now is just the hope that it will get better and IT WILL. In just a couple of years our lives will be drastically different. Easier in many ways- and the sad thing is we'll look back and miss our babies. That's what grandbabies are for, right? All of the joy, none of the exhaustion. I love you, Megan! I'll pray for you.
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